I have you next to me. Birds are whistling to the tune of our favorite harmony. We point out the tall mountains, as they stand there, they glow as the sun hits them. This is the glow you see when someone is so genuinely happy. Lake glistens and sparkles just as if fairies were sprinkling fairy dust all over the lake to give it its flicker as the sun hits it. Up above us is an ever-changing blue canvas, with different exciting things to spot from birds, planes that are so high up they look like a dot traveling at an unimaginable speed, to pictures in the clouds pulling faces. From so up high you and I see people doing what they love on a warm summer day. Souls are out floating around the lake of fairy dust, others are walking, biking, and telling stories from chapters of their past, with this leaves a light hum in the background of your senses.
Surrounding the lake are different shapes these are the places the adventurous soul’s rest, some of the homes are rectangles, squares, and sometimes circles you can see that these are either large, tall, or small and short. Around all these shapes of homes are what stand still, tall but sometimes sway in mother nature’s breath, these ever-changing shades of green trees are what keep us alive to be able to take each breath of life. Each breath being taken is warm, easy, filling us up like a hot air balloon. Under us is light brown grass which is unpleasant to the eye, this is caused by the drought of the summer heatwave that is passing by. From so high up and so far back, the town looks like it could be a painting and we are the artist with so many unfinished gaps which we are planning to fill in later.
just like seasons people change. it is now winter and, you’re not with me. Birds no longer whistle to the tune of our favorite harmony because they are hidden away to protect themself for the season ahead. Mountains still stand tall but without the golden glow. They are dark, lifeless, and just to top it off they are sugar-coated just as if someone was trying to tell bad news. constantly covered in a blanket of fog the lake full of fairy attempts to keep its self warm from the harsh frost to come its way. The once blue canvas is now grey, gloomy, unable to contact the town it was once so connected to. Being up so high doesn’t seem so thrill-seeking when alone, there’s none of the constant laughter in the background that I got used to, but now just me with my own thoughts. No one is biking, walking, telling stories of the past, but only one who is trying to chase the past.
Souls that once adventured, have hidden away in their homes of shapes to survive the depths of the chilly winter. The trees that gave us our warm breaths of life are in the homes of the souls burning them down to ash. Smoke lingers over the town but no one is bothered by this smell, it is more of a reminder of how summer felt. Every breath is now a struggle having to put more effort into each breath is getting tiring, the air is dry and freezing every inch of my lungs. Sitting on the soft green is as if you were sitting on a sheepskin rung all alone. I am overlooking the town of wandering souls, the unfinished gaps of the painting will stay unfinished and will always be something that we just once imagined together.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hey Ella,
You have made the most of your time- well done!
A few things to think about:
– Make sure your writing is in the same tense throughout the piece. At the moment, you are switching between past and present. I encourage you to write the whole thing in the present tense, like you are describing the scene in real-time.
– Check that each of your sentences makes sense. You have some which are incomplete- they have no action attached to them.
– You have great moments of ‘show’. Look to build these up a little more. You need to strike a better balance between the figurative and the literal.
Mrs P
Hi Ella,
I can see where this piece is going. Keep working on that clarity we discussed in class.
In your final periods, have a think about:
– There is a lot of ‘tell’ happening. As we discussed in class, let the verb you have selected show the reader what sense you are appealing to, rather than naming it (even with synonyms). Ensure you are appealing to a range of senses and using language devices such as personification and metaphor. Similes are fine but do not overload your work with them. They start to sound simple after several are delivered in close proximity.
– Don’t manipulate the details so far past the literal that they cannot be understood. You need to find that balance between the literal and the figurative.
– Vary your sentence starters so that the piece has better flow and each sentence leads into the one that follows.
During the final hours, you will need to edit this very carefully. Look for errors in your grammar, punctuation and spelling. Reading your work out loud to yourself will help you to hear where you have made mistakes or your writing doesn’t sound quite right.
Mrs P